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All the news that's fit to bury in committee

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K Street's Most Influential Figure Admits He's Never Actually Spoken to a Politician, Credits Success to 'Strategic Produce Distribution'
Politics

K Street's Most Influential Figure Admits He's Never Actually Spoken to a Politician, Credits Success to 'Strategic Produce Distribution'

After three decades of shaping American policy, Washington's premier influence broker reveals his entire operation runs through carefully curated gift baskets and has never required direct human contact with elected officials. Industry experts confirm this approach may actually be more effective than traditional lobbying.
Capitol Hill's Master of Motion: Senator Who Has Scheduled 2,847 Meetings Without Producing Single Vote Shares His System
Politics

Capitol Hill's Master of Motion: Senator Who Has Scheduled 2,847 Meetings Without Producing Single Vote Shares His System

After 26 years in office, Senator Marcus Thornfield has perfected the art of legislative preparation. His office confirms they've held more pre-meetings than any other senator in history, though they're still working on scheduling the actual meetings.
America's Middle Class Exists in 47 Different Realities, Federal Agencies Confirm They're All Correct
Politics

America's Middle Class Exists in 47 Different Realities, Federal Agencies Confirm They're All Correct

A routine audit has revealed that federal agencies have been operating with completely incompatible definitions of middle class for decades. The Department of Housing considers the Johnsons of Ohio both wealthy and impoverished, depending on which form they fill out.
Congressional Transparency Report Achieves Perfect Transparency by Making Everything Invisible
Politics

Congressional Transparency Report Achieves Perfect Transparency by Making Everything Invisible

After six years and $9 million, Congress has released its landmark transparency study. The 400-page report features cutting-edge redaction technology that renders nearly every finding completely illegible, which officials describe as 'peak transparency.'
Federal Meta-Research Initiative Concludes After $18 Million That More Research Needed on Research Effectiveness
Politics

Federal Meta-Research Initiative Concludes After $18 Million That More Research Needed on Research Effectiveness

The Department of Administrative Oversight has completed its comprehensive analysis of government study methodology, determining with statistical confidence that previous studies may have been studying the wrong things. Officials announce plans for a $22 million follow-up investigation.
Congressional Master of Strategic Positioning Celebrates Twelve Months of Professional Background Work
Politics

Congressional Master of Strategic Positioning Celebrates Twelve Months of Professional Background Work

Representative Marcus Windham has achieved what political scientists are calling 'peak congressional efficiency' by spending an entire legislative session appearing productive without producing anything. His office reports this as a 'historic achievement in stakeholder visibility optimization.'
Career Lawmaker Achieves Perfect Record: 47 Years, 2,847 Votes, Zero Legislation That Matters
Technology & Culture

Career Lawmaker Achieves Perfect Record: 47 Years, 2,847 Votes, Zero Legislation That Matters

Rep. Harold Fenwick has maintained an unblemished streak of attending every vote while successfully avoiding any meaningful impact on American governance. His district now boasts seventeen renamed federal buildings and the nation's most comprehensive collection of commemorative plaques.
Senate Subcommittee on Fiscal Responsibility Concludes Record-Breaking $4.2 Million Retreat to Discuss Why Things Cost Too Much
Technology & Culture

Senate Subcommittee on Fiscal Responsibility Concludes Record-Breaking $4.2 Million Retreat to Discuss Why Things Cost Too Much

The Senate Subcommittee on Government Waste and Fiscal Accountability has successfully completed its annual strategic planning retreat, producing a comprehensive 47-page report on excessive government spending while establishing new benchmarks for retreat expenses. Committee members praised the event's efficiency in identifying cost-cutting opportunities.
Historic Infrastructure Bill Achieves Unprecedented Efficiency by Containing Zero Infrastructure
Technology & Culture

Historic Infrastructure Bill Achieves Unprecedented Efficiency by Containing Zero Infrastructure

After three years of meticulous committee work, Congress has successfully transformed the American Infrastructure Renaissance Act into a document that mentions infrastructure only in footnotes. The final 847-page bill now focuses exclusively on establishing proper paperwork protocols for future infrastructure discussions.
Federal Agency Launches State-of-the-Art Public Feedback System, Guarantees Human Will Eventually See It
Technology & Culture

Federal Agency Launches State-of-the-Art Public Feedback System, Guarantees Human Will Eventually See It

The Department of Environmental Protection unveils its groundbreaking digital comment portal, featuring seventeen automated sorting systems and a promise that submitted feedback will definitely reach a human being within 18-24 months.
Congressional Recess Enters Third Week as Nation Quietly Realizes It Prefers Congress on Recess
Technology & Culture

Congressional Recess Enters Third Week as Nation Quietly Realizes It Prefers Congress on Recess

As lawmakers extend their summer break indefinitely, polling data reveals Americans are experiencing unprecedented levels of optimism and legislative satisfaction. Emergency measures may be needed to prevent Congress from returning.
Bipartisan Group Spends $2.3 Million Discovering That Legislative Failure Sounds Better With Different Words
Technology & Culture

Bipartisan Group Spends $2.3 Million Discovering That Legislative Failure Sounds Better With Different Words

A bipartisan congressional working group has concluded eighteen months of intensive study by recommending that the term 'legislative deadlock' be retired in favor of 'Extended Deliberative Consensus-Building,' a phrase that focus groups found to be 'significantly less alarming.' The underlying legislation the group was formed to advance has not moved since 2019, a fact that does not appear anywhere in the official announcement.
Your Complete Step-by-Step Guide to Making Your Voice Heard in American Democracy (Estimated Completion: 2029)
Technology & Culture

Your Complete Step-by-Step Guide to Making Your Voice Heard in American Democracy (Estimated Completion: 2029)

The American democratic system offers every citizen a full and robust suite of official channels through which to participate in the governance of their country, including public comment portals, congressional contact forms, town hall meetings, FOIA requests, and petitions — all of which are fully operational and most of which will generate an automated response within six to eight weeks. This guide walks you through each option in the order you will likely try them, followed by the order you will likely abandon them.
Lobbying Industry Releases Glowing Self-Assessment, Finds Industry In Excellent Health
Technology & Culture

Lobbying Industry Releases Glowing Self-Assessment, Finds Industry In Excellent Health

The American Lobbying Transparency Coalition has published its 2024 Annual State of Democracy Access Report, a 412-page document concluding that the $4.1 billion spent on federal lobbying last year represents 'civic participation at its most robust.' Experts convened to review the findings unanimously agreed the system has never been more transparent, a conclusion they reached over a complimentary three-course breakfast in a Capitol Hill private dining room.
Federal Agency Publishes 847-Page Plan to Become Leaner, Requests 200 Additional Staff to Read It
Technology & Culture

Federal Agency Publishes 847-Page Plan to Become Leaner, Requests 200 Additional Staff to Read It

The Department of Administrative Modernization has released its landmark Strategic Efficiency and Agility Vision Document, a 847-page roadmap for becoming a faster, smaller, and more responsive agency. The report took six years to write, required three separate working groups, and its primary recommendation is the immediate creation of a new Office of Streamlining Oversight. An independent expert panel has called it 'a bold first step toward identifying the conditions under which change might eventually be scoped.'
Inside the Minds of America's Undecided Voters, Who Have Now Been Undecided for Seventeen Years
Technology & Culture

Inside the Minds of America's Undecided Voters, Who Have Now Been Undecided for Seventeen Years

In the leafy suburbs of Chester County, Pennsylvania, three voters have been carefully, conscientiously, and exhaustively weighing their political options since approximately the second term of the Bush administration. Political consultants have spent millions of dollars trying to understand them. A leading think tank has ranked their indecision as 'historically robust.' All three have asked for more time.
House Creates New Committee to Determine Why Committees Don't Work, Immediately Demonstrates Why Committees Don't Work
Technology & Culture

House Creates New Committee to Determine Why Committees Don't Work, Immediately Demonstrates Why Committees Don't Work

The newly established House Select Subcommittee on Committee Effectiveness has scheduled 14 hearings, retained four consultants at a combined rate of $340 per hour, and ordered 200 branded tote bags before holding its first official session. Experts describe the early signs as 'promising, in the sense that they are consistent with all prior data.' Nothing has been accomplished.
White House Creates Agency To Watch The Agencies That Watch The Agencies, Insists This Is Different
Technology & Culture

White House Creates Agency To Watch The Agencies That Watch The Agencies, Insists This Is Different

The Biden-era precedent of creating federal bodies to monitor other federal bodies has reached its logical endpoint with the formal establishment of the Department of Departmental Oversight Oversight, a 900-person agency charged with supervising the seven existing agencies already tasked with supervising federal agencies. Officials stress that this is entirely necessary and not at all the same as the other ones.
Senior Senator Emerges From Weekend YouTube Binge As Nation's Foremost Infrastructure Expert
Technology & Culture

Senior Senator Emerges From Weekend YouTube Binge As Nation's Foremost Infrastructure Expert

Senator Bob Garfield of Wyoming spent seventy-two hours watching online video content about concrete, load-bearing structures, and 'how roads actually work' before arriving at Monday's Infrastructure Committee hearing armed with a legal pad, seventeen printed screenshots, and what colleagues describe as 'a dangerous level of confidence.' His staff are reportedly just glad he's engaged.
Both Parties Unite In Historic Vote To Maybe Eventually Think About Possibly Doing Something
Technology & Culture

Both Parties Unite In Historic Vote To Maybe Eventually Think About Possibly Doing Something

In what Senate Majority Leader described as 'a watershed moment for American democracy,' Congress has passed a bipartisan resolution to establish a subcommittee tasked with exploring the feasibility of forming a committee. The resolution, fourteen months in the making, has been hailed as the most significant display of cross-party cooperation in a generation — despite technically authorizing nothing whatsoever.