All the news that's fit to bury in committee

The Proceedings Today

All the news that's fit to bury in committee

Latest Articles

Town Hall Theater: How 600 Voices Became Zero Answers in Two Hours of Perfect Democracy
Politics

Town Hall Theater: How 600 Voices Became Zero Answers in Two Hours of Perfect Democracy

Representative Mike Thornberry's annual town hall achieved a new standard of democratic efficiency, transforming 600 constituent concerns into zero actionable responses while generating enough material for a thank-you newsletter celebrating 'meaningful dialogue.' Political scientists call it democracy's most optimistic recurring disappointment.
Federal Clarity Campaign Achieves Perfect Opacity With 340-Page Guide to Being Clear
Politics

Federal Clarity Campaign Achieves Perfect Opacity With 340-Page Guide to Being Clear

A new federal initiative to simplify government communications has produced a comprehensive manual explaining plain language principles using exclusively bureaucratic jargon. The document requires a graduate degree to understand its recommendations for sixth-grade reading levels.
Government's Urgency Classification System Reveals 17 Types of Urgent, Zero Meaning This Year
Politics

Government's Urgency Classification System Reveals 17 Types of Urgent, Zero Meaning This Year

A comprehensive federal audit has uncovered a sophisticated taxonomy of urgency across government agencies, ranging from 'Urgent (Preliminary)' to 'Urgent (Archived),' with historical data showing none have resulted in action within 12 months. Officials praise the system's flexibility.
Bureaucracy's Silent MVP: How One Unpaid Intern Accidentally Became America's Shadow Policymaker
Politics

Bureaucracy's Silent MVP: How One Unpaid Intern Accidentally Became America's Shadow Policymaker

After five years of being perpetually two weeks away from a real meeting, Madison Fletcher has quietly authored federal parking regulations, committee protocols, and what appears to be a binding international agreement. Officials remain confident someone will eventually notice.
Capitol Hill's Most Valuable Asset Quietly Exits Stage Left, Taking Decades of 'How Things Actually Work' With Him
Politics

Capitol Hill's Most Valuable Asset Quietly Exits Stage Left, Taking Decades of 'How Things Actually Work' With Him

Marcus Chen, the only person on Capitol Hill who understood why the healthcare bill contained a 47-page section about beekeeping, has accepted a private sector position. His replacement describes herself as 'ready to learn' and 'excited about the challenge.'
Federal Task Force Achieves Breakthrough: Problem Definitely Exists, Belongs to Different Department Entirely
Politics

Federal Task Force Achieves Breakthrough: Problem Definitely Exists, Belongs to Different Department Entirely

After 18 months of investigation, the Multi-Agency Cybersecurity Crisis Response Task Force has confirmed that America's cybersecurity crisis is real, urgent, and completely outside their authority to address. Officials recommend forming another task force to determine who should handle it.
Democracy's Most Elaborate Theater: 847,000 Citizens Perform Ritual of Public Comment While Bureaucrats Perfect Art of Predetermined Conclusions
Politics

Democracy's Most Elaborate Theater: 847,000 Citizens Perform Ritual of Public Comment While Bureaucrats Perfect Art of Predetermined Conclusions

After three months of formal public input on new environmental regulations, federal agencies have successfully maintained their January proposal with surgical precision. Officials praise the democratic process while quietly noting that 847,000 comments have been properly filed under 'Considered.'
Blue-Ribbon Commission Launches Comprehensive Study of Why Blue-Ribbon Commissions Accomplish Nothing, Members Already Discussing Follow-Up Commission
Politics

Blue-Ribbon Commission Launches Comprehensive Study of Why Blue-Ribbon Commissions Accomplish Nothing, Members Already Discussing Follow-Up Commission

The National Commission on Commission Effectiveness held its inaugural meeting Tuesday, bringing together distinguished experts to determine why distinguished experts consistently fail to solve problems. Early discussions have focused on the need for additional commissions to study their findings.
K Street's Most Influential Figure Admits He's Never Actually Spoken to a Politician, Credits Success to 'Strategic Produce Distribution'
Politics

K Street's Most Influential Figure Admits He's Never Actually Spoken to a Politician, Credits Success to 'Strategic Produce Distribution'

After three decades of shaping American policy, Washington's premier influence broker reveals his entire operation runs through carefully curated gift baskets and has never required direct human contact with elected officials. Industry experts confirm this approach may actually be more effective than traditional lobbying.
Emergency Regulation From 1984 Still Going Strong, Federal Agency Celebrates Four Decades of Nobody Knowing What It Actually Does
Politics

Emergency Regulation From 1984 Still Going Strong, Federal Agency Celebrates Four Decades of Nobody Knowing What It Actually Does

What began as a six-month stopgap measure to address a forgotten crisis has quietly become a permanent fixture of American governance. The Department of Administrative Continuity marked the milestone with a ceremony attended by officials who inherited responsibility for something they cannot explain.
Congressional Transparency Report Achieves Perfect Transparency by Making Everything Invisible
Politics

Congressional Transparency Report Achieves Perfect Transparency by Making Everything Invisible

After six years and $9 million, Congress has released its landmark transparency study. The 400-page report features cutting-edge redaction technology that renders nearly every finding completely illegible, which officials describe as 'peak transparency.'
America's Middle Class Exists in 47 Different Realities, Federal Agencies Confirm They're All Correct
Politics

America's Middle Class Exists in 47 Different Realities, Federal Agencies Confirm They're All Correct

A routine audit has revealed that federal agencies have been operating with completely incompatible definitions of middle class for decades. The Department of Housing considers the Johnsons of Ohio both wealthy and impoverished, depending on which form they fill out.
Capitol Hill's Master of Motion: Senator Who Has Scheduled 2,847 Meetings Without Producing Single Vote Shares His System
Politics

Capitol Hill's Master of Motion: Senator Who Has Scheduled 2,847 Meetings Without Producing Single Vote Shares His System

After 26 years in office, Senator Marcus Thornfield has perfected the art of legislative preparation. His office confirms they've held more pre-meetings than any other senator in history, though they're still working on scheduling the actual meetings.
Federal Meta-Research Initiative Concludes After $18 Million That More Research Needed on Research Effectiveness
Politics

Federal Meta-Research Initiative Concludes After $18 Million That More Research Needed on Research Effectiveness

The Department of Administrative Oversight has completed its comprehensive analysis of government study methodology, determining with statistical confidence that previous studies may have been studying the wrong things. Officials announce plans for a $22 million follow-up investigation.
Congressional Master of Strategic Positioning Celebrates Twelve Months of Professional Background Work
Politics

Congressional Master of Strategic Positioning Celebrates Twelve Months of Professional Background Work

Representative Marcus Windham has achieved what political scientists are calling 'peak congressional efficiency' by spending an entire legislative session appearing productive without producing anything. His office reports this as a 'historic achievement in stakeholder visibility optimization.'
Career Lawmaker Achieves Perfect Record: 47 Years, 2,847 Votes, Zero Legislation That Matters
Technology & Culture

Career Lawmaker Achieves Perfect Record: 47 Years, 2,847 Votes, Zero Legislation That Matters

Rep. Harold Fenwick has maintained an unblemished streak of attending every vote while successfully avoiding any meaningful impact on American governance. His district now boasts seventeen renamed federal buildings and the nation's most comprehensive collection of commemorative plaques.
Senate Subcommittee on Fiscal Responsibility Concludes Record-Breaking $4.2 Million Retreat to Discuss Why Things Cost Too Much
Technology & Culture

Senate Subcommittee on Fiscal Responsibility Concludes Record-Breaking $4.2 Million Retreat to Discuss Why Things Cost Too Much

The Senate Subcommittee on Government Waste and Fiscal Accountability has successfully completed its annual strategic planning retreat, producing a comprehensive 47-page report on excessive government spending while establishing new benchmarks for retreat expenses. Committee members praised the event's efficiency in identifying cost-cutting opportunities.
Historic Infrastructure Bill Achieves Unprecedented Efficiency by Containing Zero Infrastructure
Technology & Culture

Historic Infrastructure Bill Achieves Unprecedented Efficiency by Containing Zero Infrastructure

After three years of meticulous committee work, Congress has successfully transformed the American Infrastructure Renaissance Act into a document that mentions infrastructure only in footnotes. The final 847-page bill now focuses exclusively on establishing proper paperwork protocols for future infrastructure discussions.
Federal Agency Launches State-of-the-Art Public Feedback System, Guarantees Human Will Eventually See It
Technology & Culture

Federal Agency Launches State-of-the-Art Public Feedback System, Guarantees Human Will Eventually See It

The Department of Environmental Protection unveils its groundbreaking digital comment portal, featuring seventeen automated sorting systems and a promise that submitted feedback will definitely reach a human being within 18-24 months.
Congressional Recess Enters Third Week as Nation Quietly Realizes It Prefers Congress on Recess
Technology & Culture

Congressional Recess Enters Third Week as Nation Quietly Realizes It Prefers Congress on Recess

As lawmakers extend their summer break indefinitely, polling data reveals Americans are experiencing unprecedented levels of optimism and legislative satisfaction. Emergency measures may be needed to prevent Congress from returning.