All the news that's fit to bury in committee
As lawmakers extend their summer break indefinitely, polling data reveals Americans are experiencing unprecedented levels of optimism and legislative satisfaction. Emergency measures may be needed to prevent Congress from returning.
A bipartisan congressional working group has concluded eighteen months of intensive study by recommending that the term 'legislative deadlock' be retired in favor of 'Extended Deliberative Consensus-Building,' a phrase that focus groups found to be 'significantly less alarming.' The underlying legislation the group was formed to advance has not moved since 2019, a fact that does not appear anywhere in the official announcement.
The American Lobbying Transparency Coalition has published its 2024 Annual State of Democracy Access Report, a 412-page document concluding that the $4.1 billion spent on federal lobbying last year represents 'civic participation at its most robust.' Experts convened to review the findings unanimously agreed the system has never been more transparent, a conclusion they reached over a complimentary three-course breakfast in a Capitol Hill private dining room.
The American democratic system offers every citizen a full and robust suite of official channels through which to participate in the governance of their country, including public comment portals, congressional contact forms, town hall meetings, FOIA requests, and petitions — all of which are fully operational and most of which will generate an automated response within six to eight weeks. This guide walks you through each option in the order you will likely try them, followed by the order you will likely abandon them.
In the leafy suburbs of Chester County, Pennsylvania, three voters have been carefully, conscientiously, and exhaustively weighing their political options since approximately the second term of the Bush administration. Political consultants have spent millions of dollars trying to understand them. A leading think tank has ranked their indecision as 'historically robust.' All three have asked for more time.
The Department of Administrative Modernization has released its landmark Strategic Efficiency and Agility Vision Document, a 847-page roadmap for becoming a faster, smaller, and more responsive agency. The report took six years to write, required three separate working groups, and its primary recommendation is the immediate creation of a new Office of Streamlining Oversight. An independent expert panel has called it 'a bold first step toward identifying the conditions under which change might eventually be scoped.'
The newly established House Select Subcommittee on Committee Effectiveness has scheduled 14 hearings, retained four consultants at a combined rate of $340 per hour, and ordered 200 branded tote bags before holding its first official session. Experts describe the early signs as 'promising, in the sense that they are consistent with all prior data.' Nothing has been accomplished.
In what Senate Majority Leader described as 'a watershed moment for American democracy,' Congress has passed a bipartisan resolution to establish a subcommittee tasked with exploring the feasibility of forming a committee. The resolution, fourteen months in the making, has been hailed as the most significant display of cross-party cooperation in a generation — despite technically authorizing nothing whatsoever.
The Biden-era precedent of creating federal bodies to monitor other federal bodies has reached its logical endpoint with the formal establishment of the Department of Departmental Oversight Oversight, a 900-person agency charged with supervising the seven existing agencies already tasked with supervising federal agencies. Officials stress that this is entirely necessary and not at all the same as the other ones.
Senator Bob Garfield of Wyoming spent seventy-two hours watching online video content about concrete, load-bearing structures, and 'how roads actually work' before arriving at Monday's Infrastructure Committee hearing armed with a legal pad, seventeen printed screenshots, and what colleagues describe as 'a dangerous level of confidence.' His staff are reportedly just glad he's engaged.
Rep. Chad Merritt (R-OH-12) rode into Washington on a promise to cut through the gridlock and deliver real results for the people of Dellworth County. Eleven months, four caucus loyalty votes, two procedural objections, and one three-week recess later, he has renamed a post office. His press team is calling it a landmark moment. The post office is scheduled to close in April.
The Hargrove Institute, the Center for Applied Policy Futures, and something called the American Renewal Dialogue Forum have each released landmark reports on federal municipal zoning subsidy allocation — a policy area affecting fewer people than a mid-sized Applebee's on a Tuesday. Their conclusions differ on every point except one: significantly more research is urgently needed.
The newly convened House Select Subcommittee on Committee Inefficiency has already scheduled 14 hearings, retained three consulting firms at a combined cost of $4.2 million, and requested a budget extension — all before agreeing on what the word 'committee' means. Members insist this one is different. They always do.
Science has catalogued over 8.7 million species on Earth. Political science, operating on a considerably smaller budget, has identified exactly 11 types of American politician. Researchers confirm all 11 are currently polling at 14 percent, which their communications directors are calling 'a strong foundation for growth.'
The White House Office of Public Engagement has unveiled a sweeping overhaul of its citizen feedback infrastructure, promising unprecedented access to the democratic process for any American willing to complete 47 sequential steps, locate a functioning fax machine, and sit through a webinar. Officials describe the new system as 'transformative.' Experts describe it as 'a cry for help.'
A freshly minted 12-member bipartisan subcommittee has been convened to determine whether the subcommittee convened before it was, in any meaningful sense, worth convening. Preliminary estimates suggest the new panel will reach a preliminary conclusion about whether to reach a conclusion sometime around 2031. Democracy, sources confirm, remains ongoing.
Before Reddit became the self-proclaimed 'front page of the internet,' there was Digg — a scrappy, user-powered news aggregator that ruled the early web like a digital Roman emperor, right up until it didn't. The story of Digg's rise, spectacular collapse, and repeated attempts at resurrection is one of Silicon Valley's great cautionary tales, and honestly, it's a lot more entertaining than it has any right to be.