The Proceedings Today All the news that's fit to bury in committee

The Proceedings Today

All the news that's fit to bury in committee

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Oversight Panel Investigating Committee Bloat Solves Problem by Becoming One
Politics

Oversight Panel Investigating Committee Bloat Solves Problem by Becoming One

The Congressional Subcommittee on Subcommittees has released its long-awaited eighteen-month report on the effectiveness of America's committee structure, concluding that the nation's legislative branch suffers from a critical shortage of committees. The $4.2 million study, which was itself a committee, recommends the immediate formation of several new committees to address the problem of too many committees. Experts describe the findings as 'a landmark achievement in circular reasoning.'
Agency's Diversity Training Program Achieves Perfect Completion Rate, Zero Verifiable Completions
Technology & Culture

Agency's Diversity Training Program Achieves Perfect Completion Rate, Zero Verifiable Completions

The Department of Administrative Services has announced that 100 percent of its 14,000 employees have successfully completed the agency's mandatory Inclusive Workplace Awareness Program, a finding that would be more impressive if the system recording those completions had not simultaneously marked the same employees as having catastrophically failed. The tracking software, acquired in 1998 and described by its own technical documentation as 'stable pending review,' has now generated three mutual
The Great Bipartisan Infrastructure Alliance Completes Third Year Without Infrastructure
Politics

The Great Bipartisan Infrastructure Alliance Completes Third Year Without Infrastructure

The American Bipartisan Infrastructure Renewal Initiative, launched in 2021 to thunderous applause and a professionally lit press conference, has marked its third anniversary with a retrospective celebration of its accomplishments. Chief among those accomplishments, according to its own materials, is the press conference. Auditors reviewing the initiative's $11 million budget found that approximately $8.3 million was allocated to communications, photography, and event coordination, with the rema
Forty Years of Fiscal Fury: The Senator Who Raged Against Every Dollar He Then Voted to Spend
Politics

Forty Years of Fiscal Fury: The Senator Who Raged Against Every Dollar He Then Voted to Spend

Senator Dale Wentworth of Ohio has delivered approximately 3,000 floor speeches warning that the national debt will destroy Western civilization. He has also voted for every single bill that made it larger. As he prepares to retire, Washington pauses to honor a man who perfected the art of passionate, consequence-free outrage.
The Building That Forgot to Be Temporary: A Federal Agency's Twenty-Five-Year Relationship With Its 'Interim' Address
Politics

The Building That Forgot to Be Temporary: A Federal Agency's Twenty-Five-Year Relationship With Its 'Interim' Address

In 1999, the Bureau of Regulatory Assessment and Standards moved into a transitional facility in suburban Maryland while its permanent headquarters underwent what officials called 'a brief and straightforward renovation.' Twenty-five years, six administrations, and four task forces later, the temporary building has been fitted with permanent signage, and a new committee has been formed to determine whether the temporary building has, legally speaking, stopped being temporary — a question that tu
The Woman Who Knew What the Tax Code Said: Washington Enters Uncharted Territory Following Her Retirement
Politics

The Woman Who Knew What the Tax Code Said: Washington Enters Uncharted Territory Following Her Retirement

For thirty-one years, Linda Chu was the only person in Washington who could explain what the Internal Revenue Code actually said, as opposed to what various senators confidently claimed it said on television. She retired quietly in April. The consequences are only now becoming apparent.
Thirty Years, One Airport, Twenty-Three Names: The Lawmaker Who Turned Renaming Into a Career
Politics

Thirty Years, One Airport, Twenty-Three Names: The Lawmaker Who Turned Renaming Into a Career

Representative Dale Bunker of Ohio's 9th Congressional District has introduced 340 pieces of legislation over his thirty-year career in the House of Representatives. All of them concern Millfield Regional Airport. The airport has now been officially named after twenty-three different local dignitaries, four of whom are still alive, and the sign out front has not been updated since 2011. Bunker calls this 'reshaping the district's identity.' Airport staff call it 'a lot.'
The Government's Efficiency Summit Had a $2.4 Billion Entrance Fee. The Savings Were $2 Billion. Officials Call This Progress.
Politics

The Government's Efficiency Summit Had a $2.4 Billion Entrance Fee. The Savings Were $2 Billion. Officials Call This Progress.

The White House's flagship Government Efficiency and Modernization Summit concluded last Thursday after two days of panels, keynote addresses, and a closing reception featuring a shrimp display that attendees described as 'aggressively lavish.' The summit successfully identified $2 billion in potential federal savings. The process of identifying those savings cost $2.4 billion. A senior official confirmed the net outcome is 'a foundation for future progress,' which the summit's own glossary defi
Washington's $6.7 Million Vocabulary Upgrade: 'The Problem' Is Dead, Long Live 'The Challenge'
Politics

Washington's $6.7 Million Vocabulary Upgrade: 'The Problem' Is Dead, Long Live 'The Challenge'

The Interagency Working Group on Strategic Communications Realignment has completed its landmark three-year study, concluding that the federal government's official lexicon of failure requires urgent modernization. At a cost of $6.7 million, the group's central finding is that the word 'problem' should henceforth be replaced with 'challenge,' a distinction experts describe as 'transformative.' A follow-up working group has already been commissioned to determine whether anyone noticed.
Commission to Rebuild Public Trust in Government Formed Quietly, Staffed Oddly, and Scheduled to Expire Conveniently
Politics

Commission to Rebuild Public Trust in Government Formed Quietly, Staffed Oddly, and Scheduled to Expire Conveniently

The White House has established a blue-ribbon commission to restore American confidence in federal institutions — an announcement made without a press conference, populated with figures from industries the panel will nominally scrutinize, and timed to conclude its work forty-eight hours after the next general election. Commissioners describe the process as 'incredibly transparent.' A political scientist who learned of the commission from a budget footnote is less certain.
The Congressional Caucus That Has Never Held a Meeting Celebrates 37 Years of Robust Inactivity
Politics

The Congressional Caucus That Has Never Held a Meeting Celebrates 37 Years of Robust Inactivity

Since 1987, the Congressional Friends of Something Caucus has issued newsletters nobody requested, claimed credit for legislation it didn't touch, and grown to 200 members — most of whom joined because someone left a sign-up sheet next to a free sandwich platter. Its founder is retired in Scottsdale. Its parking placard is still valid. Its last confirmed meeting took place during a different presidency.
Washington's Plain Language Revolution Arrives in a 400-Page Document Nobody Is Cleared to Read
Politics

Washington's Plain Language Revolution Arrives in a 400-Page Document Nobody Is Cleared to Read

The federal government has unveiled its most ambitious plain language initiative in a generation, produced in a format that requires three forms of ID, a legacy Java plugin, and the spiritual fortitude of a medieval monk. The guide to making government communication simpler is, by most accounts, the least accessible document the federal government has ever produced. Experts confirm this is progress.
Agency Releases Landmark Vision for the Future, Confirms Future Looks Exactly Like 2019
Politics

Agency Releases Landmark Vision for the Future, Confirms Future Looks Exactly Like 2019

The Department of Operational Readiness and Strategic Alignment has unveiled its much-anticipated 2024 Strategic Vision Framework, a 214-page document described by its authors as 'transformational.' Analysts who have read both this document and its 2019 predecessor confirm the transformation is difficult to locate. The agency has announced a sixth document to help explain the previous five.
Linguistic Survey Confirms 'Let Me Be Clear' Has Appeared in Every Presidential Address Since 1987, Clarity Unchanged
Technology & Culture

Linguistic Survey Confirms 'Let Me Be Clear' Has Appeared in Every Presidential Address Since 1987, Clarity Unchanged

A new analysis of White House communications spanning nine administrations has confirmed that the phrase 'Let me be clear' has appeared in every major presidential address since Ronald Reagan's second term, logging over 4,000 recorded uses without producing a single documented instance of increased clarity. The researcher behind the study has spent fourteen years on this project and describes his findings as 'deeply unsurprising, which is itself surprising.'
Congressman Spends Thirty Years Championing Democracy From District That Stopped Practicing It in 1994
Politics

Congressman Spends Thirty Years Championing Democracy From District That Stopped Practicing It in 1994

Representative Donald Farwick of Ohio's 11th Congressional District has delivered more floor speeches about the sacred importance of competitive elections than any sitting member of the House. He has not faced a competitive election since the second Clinton administration. The local ballot printer flagged his 2022 race as a possible formatting error.
Thirty-Year Legislative Titan Reveals His Entire Career Is One Unbroken Chain of Post Offices Renaming Each Other
Politics

Thirty-Year Legislative Titan Reveals His Entire Career Is One Unbroken Chain of Post Offices Renaming Each Other

Congressman Dale Wurthen of Ohio has passed more bills than almost anyone in the modern House. A closer inspection reveals every single one of them has renamed something that was already renamed, in a legislative ouroboros traceable to a 1987 resolution about a Senate bathroom fixture. Experts are calling it either a masterclass in efficiency or a cry for help.
Prestigious Bipartisan Institute Solves Political Polarization by Quietly Removing All Polarizing People From the Room
Technology & Culture

Prestigious Bipartisan Institute Solves Political Polarization by Quietly Removing All Polarizing People From the Room

The Harrington Center for Democratic Renewal has released its landmark 400-page report on healing America's fractured political landscape, the product of three days of summit dialogue among 87 participants who were pre-screened to ensure they agreed on everything before arriving. The report concludes that polarization is very bad and recommends holding more summits. Attendees called it the most productive conversation Washington has seen in years.
The Agency That Cried Wolf: Inside the Federal Office Still Preparing America for a Threat That Quietly Disappeared Before It Was Founded
Politics

The Agency That Cried Wolf: Inside the Federal Office Still Preparing America for a Threat That Quietly Disappeared Before It Was Founded

The Office of Strategic Preparedness and Continuity Readiness has spent eleven years and roughly $340 million preparing the United States for a geopolitical scenario that intelligence officials quietly resolved about eighteen months before the agency held its inaugural staff meeting. One intern figured this out during her second week. She has not mentioned it.
America's Most Expensive Beta Test Enters Its Second Decade of Almost Working
Technology & Culture

America's Most Expensive Beta Test Enters Its Second Decade of Almost Working

The Digital Benefits Access Portal celebrates ten years of being nearly ready for public use. Originally budgeted at $12 million for a six-month deployment, the system has consumed $340 million across four administrations while successfully serving eleven citizens in Zanesville, Ohio.
Capitol Hill's Walking Wikipedia Announces Retirement, Takes 47 Years of Institutional Memory to Florida
Politics

Capitol Hill's Walking Wikipedia Announces Retirement, Takes 47 Years of Institutional Memory to Florida

Legislative aide Jennifer Kowalski, the only person who remembers why things work the way they do, has submitted her two weeks' notice. Four senators have already called her extension by mistake, and panic is quietly spreading through the appropriations process.