A Field Guide to the American Politician: 11 Species, Zero Solutions

By Dara Okonkwo-Mills | The Proceedings Today

Every election cycle, Americans are invited to choose from a curated selection of political archetypes, each one fresh, each one different, each one somehow identical to the last. The Proceedings Today, in the spirit of public service and mild despair, has compiled a definitive taxonomy of the figures who will, this time, genuinely turn things around.

All 11 types currently share a 14 percent approval rating. Spokespeople for each have confirmed this represents momentum.

1. The Outsider Who Has Been In Washington For 30 Years

A fierce critic of the establishment, which he joined during the second Reagan administration. He has voted on approximately 4,200 pieces of legislation, attended 17,000 committee hearings, and accepted contributions from industries he cannot quite recall at this time. His campaign slogan is Fresh Eyes, Real Change. His office is on the same hallway it has been since 1994.

2. The Fiscal Conservative Currently Requesting a Bridge

She believes, deeply and sincerely, that government spending is the single greatest threat facing the American republic. She has said so in floor speeches, op-eds, and a self-published book available on her campaign website for $24.99 plus shipping. She is also the lead sponsor of the Tri-County Infrastructure Revitalization and Economic Stimulus Appropriations Act, which would fund a bridge in her district at a cost of $340 million. The two positions are, she explains, completely different.

3. The Candidate Who Speaks Plainly to Regular People

He is not like other politicians. He says what he means. He tells it like it is. He connects with ordinary Americans in a way that feels authentic and unscripted, which is why his campaign has retained three authenticity consultants, a dialect coach, and a social media team of eleven people whose sole responsibility is making his tweets sound spontaneous. He is currently speaking plainly to regular people from his third vacation home in coastal Maine.

4. The Moderate Who Is Extremely Angry About Extremism

She has had enough. She is tired of the shouting, the division, the tribalism, and the relentless partisan warfare that is tearing this nation apart. She delivers this message at high volume, with considerable fury, approximately four times per week on cable news. Her new book, Can't We All Just Calm Down, debuted at number three on the New York Times list. She has not spoken to the ranking member of her own committee since March.

5. The Tech-Savvy Young Reformer Who Doesn't Understand the Thing He's Regulating

At 34, he is the future of American governance. He holds a subcommittee seat focused on digital innovation and has described the internet, blockchain, artificial intelligence, and a standard USB-C cable as, variously, a series of tubes, basically like email but faster, the Napster situation, and something his nephew handles. He is co-sponsoring landmark legislation on the subject. Industry lobbyists have offered to help with the wording.

6. The Former CEO Who Will Run Government Like a Business

Government, he explains, is too slow, too wasteful, and too bureaucratic. What it needs is the decisive, efficient leadership of the private sector — the kind that saw him preside over three corporate restructurings, two Securities and Exchange Commission inquiries, and a LinkedIn post about resilience that received over 40,000 likes. He will bring accountability to Washington. His transition team has requested an office, two deputies, a chief of staff, four consultants, and a budget to be determined.

7. The Champion of the Working Class With a Net Worth of $47 Million

She grew up understanding struggle. She has not forgotten where she came from, which is why she spends considerable time reminding audiences of the specific zip code she came from, the diner she used to work at, and the secondhand coat she wore to her first job interview. Her current coat is Loro Piana. Her fundraising dinner is $5,000 per plate. The working class, she notes, remains her top priority.

8. The Law-and-Order Candidate Whose Associates Keep Getting Indicted

He stands, unequivocally, for rule of law, personal responsibility, and the principle that no one is above accountability. Four members of his former campaign staff, two of his fundraising co-chairs, and a man described in court documents only as a close associate currently disagree with at least part of this position. He has described each case as a witch hunt, a politically motivated attack, and, in one instance, a misunderstanding about a boat.

9. The Bipartisan Problem-Solver Who Has Never Actually Solved a Problem

He reaches across the aisle. He builds coalitions. He finds common ground. He has co-sponsored 23 bipartisan bills in the current session, none of which have left committee. He is very proud of the process. He will be giving a speech about the importance of bipartisan problem-solving at a conference in Scottsdale next month. The conference is called Solutions Summit. Attendance is $1,200.

10. The Plain-Talking Populist Who Shops Exclusively at a Hardware Store She Has Never Been Inside

She is for the people. The real people. The people who fix things with their hands and don't have time for Washington nonsense. Her campaign ads feature her in a hard hat, a barn, and the parking lot of a Home Depot in a district she last visited during a 2018 ribbon-cutting. She has since relocated to a condominium in Arlington, Virginia, which she describes as a base of operations.

11. The Visionary Who Will Fix Everything, Specifically, After the Next Election

Now is not the time for the big changes. Now is the time for laying the groundwork, building the coalition, and making the case. The real work begins after the midterms. Or possibly after the next cycle. The cycle after that is when things will genuinely shift. He has been saying this, with minor adjustments for whichever election is approaching, since 2006. He remains optimistic. His approval rating is 14 percent, which his office notes is up from where we were in February.

What the Experts Say

A panel convened by the Brookings-Adjacent Institute for Governance and Structural Dialogue reviewed all 11 archetypes and released a 280-page report concluding that the American political system displays, quote, a remarkable capacity for producing familiar configurations of leadership across successive electoral periods. The report cost $1.4 million to produce. Its key recommendation is a follow-up report.

Polling conducted across all 11 types finds that 67 percent of respondents cannot name their representative, 71 percent believe their representative is one of the bad ones, and 94 percent plan to vote for them anyway because the other person seems worse.

All 11 press offices, contacted for comment, confirmed their candidate is different. All 11 are currently polling at 14 percent. All 11 call it a strong foundation.

The next election is in 14 months. Preparations are already underway.